Hello bloggersphere! Oh my lordy hasn't it been a while? I guess the reason I really started this blog was as a form of therapy - the need to write comes when I need to deal with major shit. And that time is now.
You'll notice a blaringly obvious theme in my previous posts - they were written at a time when I was single, and had been for about three years. I learned a lot about myself in those three years, but probably in the past year and a half, whilst being in a relationship, I have learned the most.
Whilst being in the most defining romantic relationship of my life so far, one I thought would end in marriage, I've realised many truths about myself. I am by no means perfect, I have some trust issues thanks to some asshole exes which I still haven't dealt with; I put others needs before myself always to my detriment; and I still - at 30 - lose myself in a relationship to the other person. I stop doing what makes me happy in order to make them happy. I thought I'd stopped that shit after the last one!
I always thought that you can't help who you fall in love with - but you do make a choice to make it work, to learn about each other, to choose to make the other person happy and to compromise. Without both parties making that choice it's not worth the heartache in the end. No matter how much effort I put in and persistent I be to make it work because I know it can, if they don't see the potential in the relationship, it won't work out. Love can't be a one sided affair.
I haven't completely lost faith that in time, I'll meet someone who reciprocates what I give out, but from now one I will approach things differently. I will not put their needs before my own, it will be a balance. I will not accept being treated as insignificant and ordinary. I will not accept being treated anything but an equal and of worth. I will continue to do activities and wear what I like even if they don't like it.
More than anything I am disappointed in myself that I became so enamored by someone that it changed me. For now though, starting over in new surroundings, finding my feet on my own again and devoting myself to work will get me through the quite times when thoughts will inevitably wander to times of the past. I've just got to remind myself to remember the good times, there were happy moments shared, but don't forget the bad. Have no regrets and take on board the lessons learned.
After the end of something significant I guess it's time to reflect and spend time by yourself assessing where to next. Back to writing (a hobby I love), listening to corny music loudly and eating whatever I like. Bring on the wine, bring on the cheese and most importantly, continue the adventures I had planned, they will bring perspective and I will be able to say I did it on my own :) Love opened me up to many new adventures, happy times and also heartbreak. An unavoidable unfortunately, but in the end, will only make one stronger and tougher.